LOST IN LIFE.
After that particular incident happened during my internship, my fear for working in the society got worse. I do not have the confident anymore, i do not know what i want in life anymore, i do not even know whats my strength and what i am good at anymore.
I just keep telling myself to live with it, i will manage it, i will pull it through. But every time i get a new job and "live" with it. I just had to stuck at the same situation over and over again.
And yes, i am stuck at the same spot again.
Just when i thought okay, maybe this is it. I will be stuck with this job for like 2 years maximum? But no.. Here i am again, i had to deal with this kind of situation AGAIN! I wonder how much i can take it!
They keep telling me that ever since i came back from Taiwan, i have not been putting in effort to work and seemed distracted. But seriously! Do you even know why? Its because ever since i came back to the office, you guys have been giving me "Da Look!" , its like, "I guess you are happy to be back from your vacation and leave all your shit behind, and had loads of fun!"
So dont blame it on me! I chose not to say anything, i kept everything to myself and that doesn't mean that i am fine with it.
Ever since i came back from Taiwan, i got a small private "meeting" with lady boss. So she was telling me how i should do this and that, make my work system this and that..
Because she found out that ever since i was gone for holiday, there were lots of things that she couldnt keep track on.. okay. FINE! I am fine with it! You can tell me whats my problem and i will change for the better, of course people, that includes TIME!
Because she found out that ever since i was gone for holiday, there were lots of things that she couldnt keep track on.. okay. FINE! I am fine with it! You can tell me whats my problem and i will change for the better, of course people, that includes TIME!
You guys were not giving me any TIME AT ALL! What?! so you expect me to change my working style after 6 months in 1 day?!
I have been trying for like 1 to 2 weeks.. And here it goes, attitude from them still didnt change! I tried to be happy during work , but i get cold blankets..
And do you know how did i feel? Angry? NO! Guilty! Thats the word! I felt guilty! Because i thought i didn't do good enough! But in the end, i realized, i shouldnt even feel this way! Because i know i tried! I have been trying but no one sees that! My emotion got from bad to worse. Everyday was just too excruciating for me! I can hardly breathe, hardly eat, i can't even think..
And do you know how did i feel? Angry? NO! Guilty! Thats the word! I felt guilty! Because i thought i didn't do good enough! But in the end, i realized, i shouldnt even feel this way! Because i know i tried! I have been trying but no one sees that! My emotion got from bad to worse. Everyday was just too excruciating for me! I can hardly breathe, hardly eat, i can't even think..
Wanting to give up so badly but somehow i keep telling myself to hang on, i might make it..
But after a month.. I know.. I couldn't take it anymore.. Today is my last straw.
Why?
Because my GM asked Jenny auntie, why did i take MC and leave so often lately. And i know Jenny auntie talked to S about it, and S told her that she didnt take any action against me yet because she was giving some respect to my mum.
The first thing that came to my mind was. WTF?!
So now, i am at fault for falling sick, for being weak?!
You know i was sick on Monday and still i gotta go out for Appointment for 4 hours DESPITE MY ILLNESS?! Seriously! Does it even make sense to you?!
For GOD'S SAKE, i coughed out bloody phlegm this morning! So i should be going to work and spread this virus all around.. GREAT! I didnt know I should do that !
For GOD'S SAKE, i coughed out bloody phlegm this morning! So i should be going to work and spread this virus all around.. GREAT! I didnt know I should do that !
I am not saying that S is not good to me, yes, she is nice to me. She is one of the reason that i want to stay on to this job even i have no interest in this job at all. But sometimes when she acts like one particular boss, i just couldnt take it.
She was the one to remind me, learn to protect myself.
But why didnt i mention all these problems to her? Because i dont want to make myself to look like someone who only comes up with excuses. Because i know. Whenever people doubts you , be it small or big, whatever you say .
They DO NOT BELIEVE YOU AT ALL.
They DO NOT BELIEVE YOU AT ALL.
This is the reason why i kept pushing this job offer away from them when i first got it, because this job has connection. And i HATE CONNECTIONS!
Mum has been giving me that fucked up attitude once again. Which i tell myself, i am not gonna care anymore. Because whatever i say or do, will NOT make her believe me. So why should i even bother to talk to her bout all these ? This is why i would NEVER share my feelings to my parents.
I am sick and tired of all these shit.
Being a good and nice girl who listens to her mum all the time. When she dont understand me at all. When i dont even know what the fuck i want in life. So dont tell me what to do anymore. I dont know how much longer i can take it.
